Welcome readers to a Christmas edition of the startup horoscope. I shall provide you with great insights that will guide you through your founder journey. I use years of experience in the fields of tech, entrepreneurship, sociology and astrology to craft them, but beware – not even I can predict the future of the startup scene: at most, I can hope to provide catchy inspiration to ensure you give it your best efforts. And have a laugh along the way.
Aries:
You’re going to make a fantastic pitch. Clients will buy into the idea 100% and be passionate to proceed. There’s only one tiny problem: your tech co-founder is pretty mad cos they have no clue how to build what you sold with less than 3 weeks to go till Christmas. Bravo on winning the contract, but remember, you can’t just drop the mic and leave tech chaos behind!
Taurus:
It’s the holiday season. You’re picturing Michael Bublè swinging in the background, hot chocolates, face masks and cuddles on the sofa as you read the latest EU Startups newsletter. For you, business has shut down in November: OOO-mode is on and you just really deserve the rest. True as it may be, we suggest you hold on a few more days so everyone else doesn’t have to work Christmas Eve!
Gemini:
We know sometimes picking an argument is your way to express interest but try not to pull an Elon Musk over your clients this December. Swearing at them on X probably won’t get the deal signed, we don’t think. Maybe try with a good joke and a Christmas present instead? A laugh is better than a lawsuit!
Cancer:
This whole Open AI drama has hit you hard: you’ve taken on Sam Altman’s emotional burden like your own. You may never forgive Microsoft for what they’ve done, but please don’t curse them – your dad still holds shares in it. At least try to let it go: it’s Christmas, after all.
Leo:
It’s unbelievable that Open AI never got back to you following your TikTok Reel on how you’d have been a much better CEO than Altman. Un-be-lie-va-ble. Still, we recommend you switch your energy on crafting a Christmas ad that will truly stand out – it’s got higher chances of getting you the praise you so deeply require!
Virgo:
Everybody else is slowing down, mentally letting go ahead of the holidays: we know you mean well, but perhaps telling everyone they should take your example and tackle the Excel spreadsheets might be the reason you weren’t invited to the festive drinks. Take the hint and enjoy a holiday breather!
Libra:
Disney’s got a point, but so has Musk. And honestly, the client’s right and so are the investors, but the tech department isn’t wrong. What you truly want is for everyone to go out for drinks and be good friends – except for Joe from account, because you really hate his suit. But come on, it’s Christmas, perhaps gift him a digital stylist subscription?
Scorpio:
Surprise! It was actually you who orchestrated the whole OpenAI drama, and nobody, possibly not even you, knows why. Now onto your December plan: wear black, be silent, make festive colleagues uncomfortable and finally capitalise with an incredibly cool anti-Christmas campaign. The Grinch’s got nothing on you!
Sagittarius:
That person from the marketing department you were chatting to at the party said you come across as a bit self-absorbed, so you’re now cycling over the Alps to raise money for charity during Christmas. Cool move, but they probably meant “Share your 2024 product plans early, so we can prep for Q1”.
Capricorn:
We get that you’re falling short on your investors desired YoY growth rate, but having everyone spend the Holiday’s cold-calling leads seems a bit excessive. Tell the investors everyone’s done their absolute best and go celebrate, you too deserve to let go at least for Christmas!
Aquarius:
Your proposal to replace Christmas presents with carbon credits is much appreciated, but the CEO isn’t totally wrong when they say revenue must still be made. How about pushing plastic-free packaging? Less thrilling, we hear you, but might just work.
Piscis:
Yes, that vaguely horse-shaped pigeon poop on your jacket could signify you’ll achieve Unicorn status in 2024 – but did you get back to that lead or was it just a dream? This festive season, keep your focus on the boring earthly affairs and your rare equestrian dreams for 2024 might just come true!
