You say, “I’m a Technical Support Specialist with extensive Windows and Mac knowledge.”
What’s that sound? Why, it’s the attractive person beating their fists raw on the emergency hatch (which, fun fact, is locked from the outside).
Here’s our handy guide to social interaction when you get this job (which is at a fast-paced business in London and pays up to £40,000 – which is nowhere near what Kay Burley earns but then she is one of the country's best presenters and you’re not) (unless you are, in which case stop reading this and apply to Sky instead).
Don’t say: “I manage technical and application support issues for customers and high-profile stakeholders.”
Do say: “I’m in IT.” (Sounds cooler and will make them think they know what you do.)
Don’t say: “I have proven experience of working with different operating systems (Windows, OSX, Linux) and Networking (DNS, DHCP, LAN/WAN, WiFi) technologies.”
Do say: “I run things.” (Sounds cooler and has the advantage of being sort of true.)
Don’t say: “I execute plans to reproduce system behaviour to determine root-cause and design tactical workarounds.”
Do say: “The last public execution in Britain was in 1868.” (Careful with this one – talk of execution can fall flat when trapped in a lift.)
Don’t say: “I identify defects in our application product suite and engage with users via telephone, email, web and on-site visits where required.”
Do say: “Talking of defects, do you remember those toy ovens that they had to recall a million of?” (Selling toy ovens that /actually heat up/ = not necessarily a brilliant idea.)
Don’t say: “I carry out regression-testing after code and infrastructure changes.”
Do say: “Talking of regression, Barry from EastEnders was a knight in the fourteenth century.”
Don’t say: “I play with the full Office 365 and JAMF suite."
Do say: “I’m basically Winston Wolfe.”
Don’t say: “I weigh up the balance between a zero-day hotfix and a longer term patch assessment.”
Do say: “Are you in the Support team? I love you guys.”
Don’t say: “I author, edit, publish and maintain an online knowledge base of known issues and solutions.”
Do say: “Are you a Wiki manager? I love you guys.”
Don’t say: “I have a strong understanding of ITIL and Agile approaches.”
Do say: “I’m pretty agile. If that hatch wasn’t locked from the outside, I could get us out of here.”
Don’t say: “I explore and understand highly complex software systems.”
Do say: “I finished Elder Scrolls Skyrim!” (Judge your audience before this one.)
Don’t say: “I have a firm understanding of black-box testing.”
Do say: “Fun fact, black boxes in planes aren’t black. And aren’t boxes.”
Don’t say: “I have a firm grasp of spoken and written English.”
Do say: “Yeah I do a bit of writing, but mostly I like to work with rescue animals.”
Don’t say: “I have experience of software products especially with web-based applications.”
Do say: “We could really use Spider-Man right now.”
Don’t say: “I have experience of Active Directory.”
Also don’t say: “I'm actively looking for a way out of here.”
Do say: actually, do you know what, if you can say that, say it.
Don’t say: “I have solution design and process modelling experience.”
Do say: “You know, you could be a model.”
Don’t say: “I have a good understanding of VOIP and VPNs.”
Do say: “Let’s hit all the buttons and see if anything works.”
Don’t say: “I’m familiar with bug tracking software.”
Do say: “Oh great, now there’s a bug in here too. What is this, The Fly?”
Don’t say: “I have a fair understanding of web technologies.”
Do say: “You’re very understanding. Would you like to grab coffee when we’re out of here?”
Smooth, huh? And if you send us a CV with a covering letter that convinces us you’ve actually read all of the above, we’ll do our best to keep our lifts in order.