Data Engineer

MONGOOSE GRAY Published: August 18, 2020
READING, United Kingdom
Job Type


The Lord God made the earth and the heavens. This was a big deal and established God as an ambitious dude you’d want to work for.

No shrub had yet appeared on the earth, for He had not sent rain and there was no one to work the ground. The angels said, ‘Okay, we need to change some stuff up.’ And God said, ‘Seriously guys I’ve been working for like seven days in a row, give me a break.’ So the angels said, ‘OK we’ve got this.’ And so they did rebrand what was basically a big rock into a well-funded, fast-growing data engineering scaleup.

Streams came up from the earth and watered the whole of the ground. The angels rejoiced, because recruitment ads saying, ‘Frustrated at a large corporate, unable to make a difference? Come to our big dry rock’ hadn’t got many bites.

But it turned out ‘Come to our big wet rock’ wasn’t much better so they had a quiet word with God and He formed a data engineer from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the data engineer became a living being. And the angels did say, ‘OK, now we’re getting somewhere.’

Now the Lord God had planted a garden in Eden, and there he put the data engineer he had formed. And God did say unto the data engineer, ‘You need to research, implement and maintain our core data analysis engine.’ And the data engineer said, ‘OK. I mean, pretty much all I see is trees, but OK.’

And God did continue, ‘You must develop algorithms for data extraction, classification and analysis.’ And the engineer said, ‘Yep, extraction, analysis, got it.’

And God, because he was now on a roll, said, ‘You must establish a data management pipeline to absorb new data and dynamically update core algorithms.’ And the engineer said, ‘Isn’t that more your department?’ and God did say nothing and the engineer said, ‘Sorry, you were saying?’

And God said, ‘You must work with Python and a few common frameworks’ And the engineer said, ‘Python, snake, control, check.’

And God said, ‘You’ll have experience of building and deploying data algorithms at scale’ And the engineer did say, ‘I’m your man, God.’ And God said, ‘That is literally true.’ And the engineer did reply, ‘Ha ha, good one God. But no, I mean I have a technical degree in statistics or equivalent discipline. And, even though you just made me, I’ve got a solid understanding of computer science fundamentals like object orientated programming and data structures. ’

And God did say, ‘OK cool. How does £30,000 plus benefits and a bonus sound?’ And the data engineer said, ‘Sounds good, God.’ And God said, ‘Do you have any questions?’ and the data engineer said, ‘Yeah I guess I also need a good mathematical and theoretical understanding of data processing and machine learning fundamentals’ And God did say, ‘Yeah that's right and other stuff too once I've had chance to build it.’

And the data engineer said, ‘Is there scope for remote working, because I like to maintain a good work/life balance?’ And God said, ‘Well, yeah, I mean you can work from under that tree but just don’t eat anything off it.’

And the angels did take the data engineer aside and remind him to send a CV and a covering letter explaining his suitability. And they did also say, ‘Seriously, don’t eat anything off that tree, he’s not kidding around.’

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