We’re not saying this job will make you more attractive, because that will get us in trouble faster than you can say, “Hello, is that the Advertising Standards Authority?” But it pays up to £65,000. And if you earn £65,000, you become what was known, in a simpler time, as A Good Catch.
That means people will want to spend time with you - virtually these days of course - sharing your hobbies. Unless your main hobby is long-distance cycling because, seriously, no one who is the partner of a long-distance cyclist has ever thought, Hey, that looks really fun, maybe I should also spend a million pounds on a bike and then ride it until I feel sick.
You’re probably thinking, “£65,000? They probably want, like, skills. I bet they want people who know stuff. It’s probably not even worth reading the rest of this ad.”
We don’t want to waste your time so let’s put all the stuff you need to know here. And if you think, “Guys, sorry, this is just random letters to me,” we can go our separate ways and there’ll be no hard feelings.
TBH, even we don’t know what all means. “Mocking”? Is that in there just to see if we’re paying attention? And DSDM? What is that? A category on a dubious website? And don’t even get us started on ASP.NET.
Anyway, look, here’s the nice-to-have stuff: Azure; IoT; DocumentDB/NoSQL DB; Python; CoffeeScript; C/C++.
Okay, we know what those mean.
So, okay, you have all those skills, and we’re this small cool team in a cool bit of the city, so we should at least have a virtual coffee together and see if you’re interested in analytics and business intelligence and big data. That’s what we do, by the way. We should have said that. And when we say “big data” we mean billions of data points, so put on your big boy pants or your big girl knickers for this one.
We want a dude/dudette to champion Agile development, perform code reviews and drive continuous integration. You’ll develop web and mobile applications, and cloud-hosting and machine-learning. You’ll play with data. Abstract, visualise, interpret.
You’re thinking, “Hey, you know what, I can actually do that”, but slow down pal. Easy tiger. We’re not giving you £££ just because you understand that shiz. You also need to prove you can work solo and in a team, and you need a business brain so your solutions work in the real world. And if you don’t have good knowledge of test-driven development, and you can’t deliver software that is stable, and with close to 100% automated test coverage, then you’ve just wasted five minutes of your life reading this ad. Soz.
But if you do have all that stuff, and you’re positive and professional and personable, and you don’t freak the hell out when something you’ve spent all morning on turns out to be out-of-date by lunchtime, send us a CV and a covering letter explaining why long-distance cycling isn’t as bad as we think it is.